The Celebrities

We all love some celebrity. It could be our favorite actor, actress, writer, or anybody. Most of us have also had the opportunity to meet one of our favorite celebrities in person. I once had such a chance too. I met with a favorite musician of mine. It was awesome. I was so enthralled to meet him. On the contrary, he didn't know any of the fans surrounding him. He was giving us his stock smile and bandied words with us. That meeting got me thinking.

I started to think about what makes somebody a celebrity? After all, they are only human beings. What makes them so special? I came up with a very simple model. I am calling it, 'One-Way Influence'. One-way influencing means that when we watch people on the TV, or in the movies, our psychology falsely assumes that we know them. The next step to this knowing is the formation of a trust and bonding. Since this trust is based on false assumptions, it surprises us when we read about the same people in tabloids. The interesting thing to note here is that the other person does not know anything about us. He is not bonding with us. It is only happening in one direction. Slowly, the person on the screen becomes very dear to us.

In order to test my theory, I began to think of an experiment. I thought that if I were to stand up in front of a group of people and speak, a 'very minor' case of one-way influencing will occur. So I went to a party where I hardly knew anyone. It was a musical evening. A small band was playing and a couple hundred people were listening. I went up to the host of the show and asked them if they could let me tell a few jokes. Of course, I had the hidden agenda of making friends, but at the same time, I wanted to test my theory. They kindly gave me a few minutes. I went up to the stage, and did some stand-up comedy. People laughed and apparently liked my jokes (phew!!).

When I finished my jokes and walked off the stage, a group of people invited me and started talking. It was like an instant friendship. I didn't have to introduce myself at all. One-way influencing had actually worked! My appearance at the stage had subconsciously made me a friend of the audience.

Since then, I have used the same theory over and over. Many a times, I don't get the same response as in that party. For example, in one of my classes that I taught, my students were adament about not expressing their feelings. They thought I would count it against them. But other than that, one-way influencing has always worked for me.

You'd ask, where does this theory apply? I can give you two applicable areas. One is the relationship between politicians and common people. Due to one-way influencing, people tend to believe in the eloquent politicians, even though they may not know them at a personal level. How much were you shocked to hear Clinton-Lewinsky story? Another case is online dating. One can say that online dating is interactive and not one-way. In my opinion, online dating is very one-dimensional. We do get glimpses of the other person's attributes, but the majority of the personna of the other person is created by our own mind.

If you meet a gregarious person, observe their ways. You will see that most extroverts keep talking. Their talk breaks the ice and paves the road for further contact. I wanted to share this with my friends who have a fear of public-speaking, are shy, or have difficulty making friends. Try one-way influencing. If your audience does not have any inhibitions, you'll be surprised to see how it works.

The Notebook

I went to see this movie, 'The Notebook', with a friend today. I think it was well-made. I am not going to do a review of the movie here. But, at the end of the movie, all the women in the theatre were crying, while I was really happy. I was happy to see that my theory about women was proving to be correct. Women are more sensitive to emotions and are better feelers than men. I've already expressed my thoughts on it in 'Daughters of Eve'.

After the movie, my friend asked me if I believed in true love. I was startled by this question coming from a person who has a PhD in psychology. Its not about true or false love. Its about a reality of our lives. Love is not magic. Its a scientific phenomenon. I told her that the biggest flaw in human beings was that we only wanted to hear good things. If reality doesn't sound too pleasing, it might as well wait.

Love is a force, just like many other social forces in the human world. I ask you this: How else would you put a man and a woman, who may come from two entirely disparate backgrounds, together to raise a family? How?

Love is neither a luxury, nor a privilege. It is an embedded mechanism, that pushes people to seek companionship. But look at how it works. Talking scientifically, an adult male would not be attracted towards a toddler female, nor would he be attracted to a 70 year old grandma. Why? They are females, they have souls, they could be 'beautiful'. So goes the case for adult females. By the time our biologies are ready for reproduction, this urge called love strikes us. We think we are doing it. The fact is that we were bound to do it.

Love is a facilitator sentiment. It facilitates a mother in taking care of her children. It facilitates a man and a woman to compromise and be bonded as a family. It facilitates the children in caring for the parents.

I would like to add that human beings are different in their adoptation of love. The degree to which a person 'can go crazy' in love varies from person to person. Not everybody is capable of becoming intimate. The reasons go back to genetic, nurture, and cultural elements. I told my friend that when she would start her own counselling practice, she will come across many cases of broken love. Those would be the examples of love-misused.

Love is a wonderful emotion, though. It has the ability to give us our greatest joys, and our greatest pains.

Surfer Dudes

Whenever I visit the ocean on the west coast, I see a lot of surfers. I don't know where they come from, but they all bring their wet-suits and surfing boards with them. The west coast cold water doesn't seem to bother them too much. They put on their wet-suits and take their boards into the water. They swim to a certain distance where there are waves and then wait. I found out that surfing was not as easy as it always seemed to me. Waves are not as friendly and soothing as they seem from a distance. If you are out there with the surfers, you would notice that waves come at different angles. Not only that, you may have one current coming in, while the other receding. If you get caught in such a motion, you can flip a full circle just standing there.

The surfer dudes know what to expect. They don't always catch a wave. Sometimes they miss it. Sometimes they catch part of it. Sometimes they do so well that they can have a full 20 second glory of riding an amazing wave standing on their board. But thats the thrill--catching the right wave at the right time. Nonetheless, the whole thing is very exhausting.

A lot of times we look for our niche in this world. We want to find out what we are best at and then do it. I think we should learn from the surfer dudes. See, even if you wear a wet-suit and have a surfing board, it doesn't mean you would always catch a wave. You have to jump in, and then wait. You would certainly fail. But thats part of surfing. In order to achieve anything big, we have to be able to digest failures like lost waves.

Last but not least, you have to be in the ocean to catch a wave. Nobody catches a wave sitting on the beach.

Stages

We come across quite a few people who don't know how to earn a living effectively. They either don't have enough education, or they don't get good guidance for the future. Many parents start teaching the basic survival skills to their children. They send their children to schools and colleges. The primary reason is so that they could be independent, and tomorrow, they should be able to support themselves. A lot of us still miss out on that opportunity and are never able to become independent.

Then there is those people who do succeed in getting the vital skills. They get their degrees and/or experience, and learn how to live independently. This group is larger than the above mentioned group. Within this group, there are many kinds. Some of them acquire skills just enough to make a living. Some go to senior levels. Some even go to the highest levels of education and become teachers. Some become entrepreneurs. They master the art of business and instead of looking for jobs, they create them. A lot of people end their lives in this stage.

Then comes the third group. This happens to be the smallest of all. These people realize that there is more to life. These are the people who dive into the vastness of their souls and read the universe from within themselves. They unlock the infinite powers within them, and draw upon the hidden strengths of their psyche. The world becomes a place of constant contemplation for them. They enjoy this life, but at the same time know its limitations. They transcend the common notions of happiness and joy. Sorrow or fear don't bother them.

TNT

Trinitrotoluene is the chemical name of TNT. Its an explosive, which burns as a result of an exothermic reaction. It releases energy and inflicts damage on the target. But once it is burnt, it burns no more.

As human beings, we carry a lot of TNT in ourselves. This TNT is our complexes. Superiority or inferiority, they are complexes after all. Everyday, I meet people with both kinds of complexes. Any kind of a complex is unhealthy. An inferiority complex takes away what we have. It cripples us and does not let us do what we are capable of. It hides our good qualities from us, and we miss opportunities. On the other hand, a superiority complex fools us by assuring us that we possess something that we really don't. It makes us arrogant, and we stop developing. There is nothing more remorseful than finding out about our arrogance too late.

Carrying any kind of a psychological ailment is like carrying TNT. It is dangerous. You never know when it may explode. But there is something that heals us and cures this ailment. That panacea is called hardships. Hardships burn our TNT. They put us face to face with our complexes. We are lucky if they come sooner than later. And we are even luckier if we can go through them and survive. There are two dangers, though. Either you never come across a hardship, or you don't survive it.

But if you can do both--Voila!! Congratulations. Your TNT has been burnt. You are free.

The Criterion Within

Those who opened the first learning institutes in the world did not go to school themselves. How could they? They taught students and granted them degrees, but did not have any degrees of their own. They set their own standards and perfected the art of teaching. Their wisdom was not endorsed by a college or a university, but it stood on its own. They did not have classrooms to go to, but they did seek knowledge. Before they became advisers, they sought advice from within.

There exists a natural built-in conscience in us before we learn it.

It is the same built-in conscience that prompted people to follow prophets, messengers, yogis, avatars, sadhus, sufis, and saints. It was this built-in conscience that pushed people to listen to Plato and Socrates. Their prior beliefs didn't matter. Before we had any religion, we had this conscience. It is this conscience that is shared by humans of all colors and ethnicities. It is their automatic mechanism that draws them close to the truth before they formally accept it.

Our conscience transcends all religions. It is the same force that pushes us to probe different ideologies and makes us question our traditions. It is the same force that seeks tranquility and peace, and keeps us restless. It is our guide to the truth.

Give and Take

I feel sad when I see siblings that are not chums, parents that are not friends, and relatives that are not allies. I feel sad when I see a rising number of people paying 50 dollars an hour to have them heard by a therapist. Whats the problem?

The problem is that we take our relationships for granted. We think being born from the same womb or having the same blood entitles us to get the attention that we need. We think a blood-relation is an obligation on others, but not on us. We don't believe in the principle of give and take.

Look around. Give and take is happening everywhere. We let the sun use our solar system. We gave him a place to stay. In return, he gives us light and heat, that we use to grow the grain and so much more. A mother feeds her baby and cares for her. In return, the child loves the mother back. We spend hours and hours studying for the exams, and the results reward us.

I know, love should be selfless. Love should be selfless when you are giving it, but not when you are receiving it. Sincerity begets sincerity and kindness begets kindness. If we don't have the time to go the extra mile for a relative, why should they bother doing that for us? If we don't have the time to praise our brother or sister, and nurture their talent, why should we be treated any differently? If we can't commit ourselves to the person we say we love, why should we get anything in return? If we don't support our spouses and always flaunt a frown, why do we think they are obligated under the law to please us?

This is how it is. Give, and take.